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It’s turkey time The Terrors of the Wild By Mike Lushington

When I first heard the story, I shook my head to make sure that something wasn't distorting my hearing. Everything seemed to be fine. Then I checked the calendar - no, we were long past April Fool's Day. I convinced myself that I must have misunderstood and went on to other things. The next day, though, I heard a followup story, although from a different source. It was then that I became convinced, even more than previously, that we have really lost contact with the world around us.         The story that caught my attention, and incredulity, was this: A hiker on one of the walking trails around Halifax had been attacked and bitten by a snake! In a voice filled with awe and a certain dread, the announcer, one of the most respected television news anchors in the Maritimes, assured us that this interpret adventurer had encountered this python, this anaconda, this cobra, or whatever it was; that the snake had attacked and bitten him and that he was apparently able to fend off the attack, no doubt through sheer heroism and raw strength. The announcer went on to report that the snake was - are you ready for this? - "almost half a meter in length."         As I write this, palms sweating in sympathetic terror at the plight of our intrepid hiker, I glance at a new pencil lying on my desk. In a moment of curiously I take it in one hand, a ruler in the other, and measure it. It is almost 20 centimetres long. In other words, it is nearly half the length of that monster of nightmares who was (and maybe still is) striking terror in the hearts of all those who venture forth to trek in the untamed wilderness of Halifax's walking trails.         I was amazed when I heard the initial story, but I was rendered hysterical by the follow-up, a warning by the Nova Scotia Department of Natural Resources (or whatever the official designation of that government agency is) that hikers in the area should be on the lookout for dangerous snakes. Did anyone, including the brave soul who suffered the first assault, stop for a moment to consider just what had really transpired?         I venture to guess that this Boa Constrictor was nothing more than a Common Garter Snake - and a very young one at that. How the victim came to be bitten I can only guess, but I bet that it had something to do with his picking it up, probably by the tail, only to discover that the snake really didn't want to be picked up.         I can only guess, too, that the resulting bite must have caused all the pain and damage of a kitten's scratch.         Still, terror of the unknown reigns in the hearts of those brave souls who now venture forth on those trails, armed with cudgels, ready to pulverize any similarly vicious serpent who dares to confront them or their loved ones.         What will be next, I wonder? Can we anticipate warnings about man-eating squirrels, about packs of ravenous field mice, or flights of deadly vampire bats who assault those who venture forth at night? Ah, yes, it is a savage world out there in the jungle. We would be far wiser to spend our leisure time wandering the downtown streets and alleyways of our larger cities, where, as everyone knows, civilization reigns, and civility toward one another is always the norm. Turn on all the lights, arm yourselves - and be sure to check under your beds before you go to bed tonight.